Sorry for the length, but I didn't have time to write a short blog.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Driving...I am so much better than that guy

I am a way better driver than the idiots I allow to share the road with me.  I dare someone go slow, you know like the speed limit, when I want to go fast and how dare people pile up behind me when I feel like going the speed limit or perhaps a bit slower? And it is not my fault when I forget to use my left turn signal or ignore the yield sign on the acceleration lane.  It is my road after all.  And why on earth would I want to pay attention to that silly yellow line?

I will drive incredibly slow when the rain sprinkles on the road but when it snows and the roads ice up I will drive like a maniac because I have four wheel drive. I will also slow down at every intersection when I don't know where I am going because I don't know how to use a map, map quest, Google navigation or Google maps (we all understand for those who have to use Apple maps). I slow down for every flat tire and flame-out on the highway because it is at least as interesting as, oh say, a moose.  I will also take scenic drives going as slow as I like on major highways and refuse to move over for people who might actually have someplace to go.

When leaving en masse from parking garages or from parking lots, I will refuse to use the simple courtesy of the every other car goes principal and leave people stuck in their parking spot or in line for hours.  I will pass bicycles by going out into the other lane despite the others are coming in that lane and force them to slow down.  After all, I had to slow for the bicycle, maybe...

I will take others right of way when at an intersection so that they don't have to pay attention to left and right but to a third direction.  I will pass someone who is turning left on the right at an intersection so I can threaten the car in the right side of the intersection.  In fact, face it, right-of-way is mine, mine, mine! Hahahahahahahahahahhaha

Rather than flash someone who has left on their brights, I will turn mine on suddenly as I approach because they obviously did it to me on purpose.  I will also come up behind people with my brights on so they can read as my gift to them.  I will follow as close as I can to let them know of my displeasure that they are  not going as fast as I want to.

I will assume that every large vehicle is going slower than I want to, even though I own a much smaller car and they have three times the horse power I do.  I will let my dog run wild in the bed of my truck.

I will be sure that when turning right, I will pull up far enough so the person there turning left cannot see.  I will cut across lanes when turning left.  Heck, I'm going to cut lanes without a signal.  All those lanes and so little time.  I will, whenever possible ride in the blind spot for mile on end and I will match speed with people who try to pass me in the passing lane.  I will of course go the same speed as the guy on the right in passing lanes so no one can get around.  When I come out of the end of the passing lane, I will not yield to cars who are almost past me.

I  will forget that I am not alone on the road. I will make obscene gestures at people because the way I drive is always superior.  I will talk on cell phone and eat my lunch while barreling down the road because that being distracted thing does not apply to me. I will also try to text for the same reason. I may even write a novel on my laptop while going down the road.  I am the superior driver.

I am the better driver and all that I do is a reflection of who I am.

Get it...Try courtesy.  I promise, it will not hurt.